


The Last Five Years

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Crossing Timelines, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, M/M, Married Barisi, the last five years au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-05-10 08:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: When love ends the only way to understand it is to go back to the start.





	1. Still Hurting

**Author's Note:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow. 
> 
> Thanks so much to Robin Hood for helping me flesh this out in the beginning and giving me a great foundation to work with. Also thank you to ships_to_sail for talking through so much of this with me and encouraging me when it all seemed too daunting. 
> 
> And extra special thanks to power-bottom-barba for not only taking on the emotional turmoil that is TL5Y at my request, but loving it as much as I do and putting up with me every step of the way and being a cheerleader throughout this entire undertaking. <3
> 
> I've got this entire fic written, so updates should be pretty regular. I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it (at least most of the time). Finally, any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine, including the summary that I might have taken from the trailer for the movie. :)

**2020 - Rafael**

The pounding was incessant, but he was doing his best to ignore it, willing whoever was outside his door to just go away. All he wanted was to be left alone. But they weren’t taking the hint, continuing to assault the door with what sounded like the side of a fist.

“Rafael!” Of course it was Olivia. “I know you’re in there. Don’t make me break down the door.”

He sighed, knowing she meant it. It took him a couple of tries to haul himself to a sitting position on the couch—he’d been sleeping there. He couldn’t bring himself to sleep in the bed. Their bed—and the motion made his stomach roll and his head throb in rhythm with the pounding on the door.

When he yanked it open, Olivia’s fist was midair, but it immediately dropped, her face contorting with a mix of surprise and concern. “Well, you look like shit.”

Rafael wasn’t sure the last time he’d looked in a mirror, but he had no doubt that she was right. But what did it matter. All those years and all that money spent on his appearance and what good did it do? He still ended up here. Alone.

He only grunted his response and turned to go back into the living room, leaving the door open, knowing she’d follow whether he wanted her to or not. He flopped back onto the couch, having expended all of his energy walking to the door and back.

“What’s going on? Where have you been? I know you got back from Ohio a week ago, but nobody’s heard from you. You haven’t been at work...”

A week ago. Had it only been a week? It felt like much longer, but also felt like just yesterday at the same time.

_ It was a relief when he finally put the key in the door. He’d gotten up at 4am for a flight that was ultimately delayed for three hours, only to be seated in front of the world’s most obnoxious child. He’d never been so happy to set sight on the New York City skyline, and, despite how things had gone when they’d last been together, he was looking forward to seeing Sonny. _

_ They hadn’t talked much since, only a few stilted texts, but he thought that once they saw each other in person again, they could talk—really talk without fighting—and begin to work things out. _

_ Rafael knew a couple of people he could reach out to about couples counselors. They were beyond able to fix this on their own, he knew that, but that didn’t mean things were irreparable. _

_ The moment he pushed open the door to their apartment, he felt it. It wasn’t odd for Sonny to not be home, he rarely was these days, but it was more than that. The apartment felt empty. Hollow. _

_ Leaving his suitcase by the door he strode into the bedroom, determined to convince himself that he was just being paranoid, but Sonny’s watch case was missing from the top of the dresser and the top drawer was ajar. Rafael could see from where he stood that it was empty. Still, he moved to the closet, out of a need to convince himself or a to rub salt in fresh, bare wounds, he wasn’t sure. _

_ Sonny’s side was empty, the hangers and shelves bare. _

_ A sob escaped from his throat as Rafael sank to the floor, his knees unable to hold him upright any longer. _

_ He remained there for over an hour, a weird numbness having taken hold of him even as the tears rolled down his cheeks.  It wasn’t until he’d managed to finally climb from the closet, that he found the letter on the kitchen table, Sonny’s wedding ring lying on top of it, the gold glinting in the sunlight that streamed in from the window. _

“Are you okay?” Olivia was still talking and he could see her taking in the empty glasses that were scattered on the coffee table. Only glasses, no plates. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d consumed something that wasn’t scotch. And even that had run out yesterday.

“Carmen wouldn’t tell me anything. It took me three days to even get her to tell me that you were at home.” If Rafael’d had it in him he would have smiled. Carmen was nothing if not loyal. And stubborn. “Where’s Carisi?”

Rafael tried to scoff, but it came out sounding weak and strangled. “Sonny is gone.”

Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean Sonny’s gone?”

“Sonny’s decided it’s time to move on.” Elbows on his thighs, he scrubbed his hands over his face, adding, “Without me.”

“What?” Olivia asked, incredulous. “Why? What happened? When did it happen?”

He looked up at her for a moment before dropping his head back to his hands. “Can you not interrogate me right now?” The last thing he wanted was to rehash everything that had gone wrong. Besides, he didn’t think she had that much time.

“I’m sorry, it’s just—” She sat on the couch next to him, apparently too shocked to continue standing. “I thought you guys were happy.”

Rafael wondered if they’d really been that good at putting on a show or if people were just that oblivious. His vote was on the latter.

“Well, now he’s happy with someone else.” It was weird to say. Even though he knew it to be true, saying it out loud somehow made it real. Sonny was seeing someone else. Sonny had left him for someone else.

“What?” Rafael had half a mind to ask if she knew any other words, instead he just fixed her with a look and she held up a hand. “I’m sorry, I just can’t imagine Sonny Carisi cheating.”

Rafael could. He’d imagined it over and over these last couple of months, ever since the first time they’d been on this very couch watching a movie, and he’d glanced over to find Sonny grinning down at his phone, his eyes twinkling as he typed a response.

“Just work,” he’d replied when Rafael had asked nonchalantly who he was talking to. He supposed now that it was technically true. Sonny had probably been pleased with himself, that he’d managed to not lie to him about it while continuing to flirt and deceive.

“Yeah, well…” was all he could say. 

“Wow.” She leaned over, putting a hand on his shoulder, and a lump formed in his throat at the affection. “I’m sorry, Rafa.”

“Me too,” he breathed out, voice shaky. “Me too.”

_ He’d lost track of how many times he’d read the letter. All he knew was that he’d read it over and over until tears swam and his vision blurred, and he could know longer read the words that had cut him deeper than any knife ever could. _

_ Rafael had spent his entire adult life with what he thought was an understanding of the power of words. Each day, in his work, he chose them carefully. Picking and choosing the proper phrasing to convey a criminal’s guilt to a jury. But it wasn’t until now, sitting in what had been their home, their sanctuary from the outside world, reading the words that had ripped him to shreds, that he truly grasped just how powerful they could be. _

_ Sonny thought he was doing them a favor; doing Rafael a favor. How kind of him, how selfless, to leave like a coward when Rafael wasn’t even in the state, to sneak away with his belongings all under the guise of doing the right thing. _

_ The only person he was helping was Sonny. He wanted the freedom to be with a new version of Rafael, the version that he’d always hoped Rafael would be—smiling and doting and willing to let Sonny take the lead in all things. _

_ Rafael wasn’t sure when he’d become the out of date model. He hadn’t gotten a say in that either. Just like everything else lately, Sonny had made that decision, but it was Rafael sitting here with scars from a battle he hadn’t even wanted to fight.   _

_ He sat at the table for hours. The sun had long ago set and he could barely make out Sonny’s handwriting on the sheet of paper, but that didn’t matter. He’d memorized every pen stroke by now. _

_ He wasn’t sure what to do now. What did one do when their entire world shattered? _

_ Long after most people were sleeping, tucked in soundly next to the ones they loved, Rafael unfastened the watch from his left wrist—the one Sonny had presented so lovingly, promising him that he had all the time in the world—and dropped it to the table with a clatter next to Sonny’s wedding band. His own ring came next. He hadn’t removed it since Sonny had slipped it on his finger and it took some effort, but finally he was able to slip it off. _

_ He stared at it a moment, holding it up in the dark. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d looked down at it on his hand, a smile coming to his face at the thought of Sonny. He’d run his thumb over it like a talisman hundreds of times as he’d prepped for a cross or awaited a jury verdict. But now it was only a symbol of everything he’d lost. _

_ Finally, he sat it down gently, part of band resting on top of Sonny’s, once again a matching set. _


	2. Shiksa Goddess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> This one is a little happier than the last one. :)

**2016 - Sonny**

“If I’d known you could cook like that I would have made a move on you much sooner,” Rafael said with a smile, leaning back in his chair.

Sonny, standing at the sink rinsing off their dinner dishes, threw a look at him over his shoulder. It sent a thrill through him to see Rafael seated comfortably at his tiny kitchen table, barely big enough for one plate, let alone two, but they’d made it work, knees bumping all the while. “I’m pretty sure I made the move on you.”

“Eh,” Rafael said with a shrug, like it could have happened either way. “What matters is that we’re here.”

Sonny smiled. “Yes we are.”

Rafael stood, moving to the counter to refill both of their wine glasses. He stayed there when he was finished, leaning against the chipped countertop, his eyes on Sonny’s forearms as he scrubbed red pasta sauce off of a plate. “I feel like I should be doing that,” he said after taking a sip of wine. “You did all the cooking.”

“Oh no, I don’t mind,” Sonny told him with a smile. “You’re the guest. My nonna would tear me a knew one if she found out I had a guest doing housework.”

“So I’m just a guest, huh?” Rafael asked, setting his glass back down on the counter.

“Not  _ just _ a guest,” Sonny corrected, dunking another plate under the water.

Again, Rafael’s eyes were drawn to his bare forearms, glistening and just a bit pink from the hot water. “You should leave the rest for tomorrow.”

“Oh, if I let it set it will be impossible to—” He stopped, swallowing when Rafael pressed himself against his side, placing a kiss just below his ear.

“You should really leave those for tomorrow.”

Suddenly he didn’t care about the dishes at all. He’d throw them out and buy new ones if he had to. He turned so his back was against the sink and Rafael placed a hand on either side of his hips, crowding him close. “You are absolutely right.”

“Now that’s just not fair,” Rafael said with a smile, kissing the corner of Sonny’s mouth. “You already know exactly what to say to get me going.”

It was joke, Sonny knew, but it didn’t stop him from dipping his head and capturing Rafael’s lips with his, kissing him hungrily and gripping at his shoulders with still sudsy hands. He assumed it was a testament to Rafael’s desire for him that he didn’t complain about Sonny getting his shirt wet.

Instead he moved his hands from the counter to press them into Sonny’s back, slotting his thigh between Sonny’s legs as tilted his head to deepen their kiss. Sonny couldn’t help the moan that escaped his throat at the contact and it only seemed to encourage Rafael, who licked into Sonny’s mouth, and worked his hands up under the hem of his shirt, sighing at the first feel of soft skin.

Sonny was just trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Rafael Barba was trying to take his shirt off of him when Rafael pulled away, breathing heavy. “What’s wrong?”

Rafael tilted his head, looking at him as if he were trying to read Sonny’s expression. Sonny could only imagine what he looked like, kissed bruised lips and blatant arousal in his blown pupils. “Are you sure about this?” Rafael asked finally and Sonny caught his meaning. A few dates and some teenaged style heavy petting sessions could be blown off, tucked away while they returned to being just colleagues, but sleeping together, that was another story. It was the point of no return.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” Sonny answered honestly and without hesitation.

Rafael laughed and looked relieved, kissing Sonny just below the chin. “I seem to remember you mentioning a bedroom when you gave me a tour earlier.”

“Yes, let me show you.” Sonny took him by the hand and pulled him down the hallway.

* * *

“I think I just heard my ma’s heart shatter.”

“Not the best post coital talk,” Rafael mumbled against his bare chest, but apparently his curiosity got the best of him because then he asked, “Because I’m a lapsed Catholic or because I’m a man?”

“Both,” Sonny answered without taking any time to think about it.

“Wait.” Rafael rolled so that the back of his head rested on Sonny’s stomach and he could look up at him. “You’ve been with men before, right? If not you’re a quick study.”

Sonny couldn’t help the self satisfied grin that covered his face, thinking of the way he’d made Rafael writhe and pant and moan out his name—not Carisi, but Sonny—deep and primal as if he didn’t have a choice.  

“No, I have,” he answered Rafael’s question. “And she knows I’m bisexual, but I’m pretty sure she always thought I’d end up with a woman in the end. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve gone to dinner and there’s a ‘nice girl’ there who she just happened to run into at the store that day and invite for dinner. I swear, she doesn’t have a single friend with a son.

“But now I’m gonna break her heart cause,” he reached out trailing a fingertip down Rafael’s cheek and neck and over his chest, “I...I think you’re it for me.”

Rafael’s eyes widened and Sonny knew it was too soon—way too soon—for any such declarations, but he couldn’t help it. And it wasn’t like they’d just met. They’d been dancing around each other for awhile now, and, if he was being honest with himself, he’d been in love with Rafael Barba since the first time he’d laid eyes on him.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he said, watching the wheels spin in Rafael’s head as he continued to lightly trail his fingertips over his chest. “I’m not expecting you to. I just want you to know that this means something to me. You mean something to me.”

Rafael smiled, capturing his hand and bringing it to his lips, kissing each fingertip. “You mean something to me too.”


	3. See I'm Smiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2020 -** Rafael

The cool breeze blew off of the Great Miami River and Rafael admired the way it ruffled Sonny’s hair. Since he’d been traveling he hadn’t put any product in it and it fell naturally over his forehead, just the way Rafael had always preferred it. He looked handsome as ever, something that never changed despite how much their relationship had. 

“I’m glad you came,” he told Sonny and he meant it. He’d been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks, and all he wanted was to save what they had, no matter what it would take. They were worth it. Sonny was worth it.

“Well, I had to see this amazing Dayton that you’re always going on and on about,” Sonny said with a grin and Rafael was happy to see that he was in good spirits. He’d been so moody lately, so withdrawn, but now, here, sitting on a bench by the river with the sun shining on his face, he looked happy, relaxed.

Rafael was afraid that what he was about to say would ruin it, but it was important that he say it. “I know things have been rough lately. For awhile,” he corrected. “And a lot of that’s my fault. I haven’t been fair to you and I promise I’m going to work on being better.”

“Raf—” Suddenly Sonny’s carefree expression fell away and there was something sad in his eyes.

“No, listen, I know I’m not easy to live with. I know I’m not happy a lot of the time, but that has nothing to do with you. I want to be someone you’re proud to be with.”

Sonny’s eyes only grew more melancholy and Rafael felt panic. He’d thought Sonny would be happy to hear that Rafael was willing to put in more effort. He was desperate to make him smile again, so he nudged his shoulder with his. “We can both do a better job of admitting when we’re wrong. We’re both stubborn in that way.”

It wasn’t the laugh he’d been going for, but Sonny’s lips turned up in a hint of his normal blinding grin, and Rafael would take it for now.

“I think these next few days are a good chance to start fresh,” Rafael said, hope in his voice. “I only have to give the one lecture today and then we’ll have the rest of your trip to just be with each other.”

“Actually,” Sonny said carefully and Rafael’s brow furrowed. He already knew what was coming. “Captain Miles called when I was on my way from the airport. They caught a break in the Wellerstein case and he wants me back.”

“Okay, well, at least we’ll have tonight.” Rafael desperately tried to cling to any sense of optimism that he’d been feeling. “We’ll make the most of it.”

“Actually,” Sonny repeated and Rafael was starting to hate the word. “I have to leave tonight. The briefing with the task force is first thing in the morning.”

“Dammit, Sonny,” Rafael huffed a frustrated sigh. “I’m really trying here and as usual you’re choosing something else over me.”

“I’m not choosing to leave. It’s my job. And don’t act like you didn’t used to choose work over me all the time. Back when you actually gave a shit about it.”

“And I’m sure your little boyfriend has nothing to do with you rushing back to the city.” He hadn’t intended to bring it up, not when he was trying to fix things, and he almost started to apologize, but then Rafael saw something flash in Sonny’s eyes and felt his heart shatter at the confirmation that his suspicions were correct. “I knew it. I knew you were fucking him.”

“Come on, Raf.” Sonny put a hand on his arm. “You’re acting crazy.”

“Don’t.” Rafael pulled his arm out of his grasp, standing up from the bench to put some space between them. “Don’t you dare, Sonny. Don’t put this on me.”

In possibly the smartest move he’d made in a long time, Sonny stayed silent.

“It really shouldn’t surprise me,” Rafael continued. “The way he falls all over you. God knows you love nothing more than people worshiping at your feet. The great Sonny Carisi, the saviour of all of us gay public servants.

“You can’t stand anything that’s not all about you, all the time. Three years, it took you three years to make the trip out here and you aren’t even going to be here for twelve hours. God forbid you take a break from your sycophants to spend time with your husband!” He was panting and his heart was thumping wildly in his chest and suddenly the anger fell away to complete and utter despair.

Sonny was staring at the ground, silent, and it was strange, for a second he looked like a complete stranger. It was almost like Rafael couldn’t equate this man sitting in front of him with the smiling, kind, generous man he’d fallen in love with five years before. How was it possible they were even the same person?

They weren't, he realized. That was the problem.

He finally glanced up at Rafael who was staring at him expectantly. He shifted uncomfortably on the bench and looked past Rafael, out to the water. “I...I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you to say that you’re sorry. That you love me. That we’ll fix this.” He didn’t know if he could ever fully forgive him, that was something he couldn’t figure out right now, but he did know that he still loved Sonny, still wanted to do all he could to save what they’d once had. If only Sonny would meet him halfway.

“Sonny?” Rafael was almost embarrassed at the way his voice broke on his name, his tone pleading and desperate when he hadn’t meant for it to be.

All he wanted was for Sonny to look at him, to smile and tell him that everything would be alright, like he had so many times before, but he didn’t. Instead he kept his gaze on the water, not saying a word.


	4. Moving Too Fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2016 - Sonny**

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Rafael said, dropping the box he’d been carrying, letting it land with a loud thunk on the hardwood floor. “We’d have been done hours ago if we’d just hired movers.” 

“But we’re done now,” Sonny said with a smile, setting down his own box, but doing it much more gently than Rafael had. “Don’t you feel a sense of accomplishment? And I saved a bunch of money.”

Rafael had offered to pay to have Sonny’s things moved to his apartment, anything to get out of a Saturday afternoon of physical labor, but Sonny wouldn’t have it. He didn’t want Rafael to have to take care of him, especially financially.

“I’m not sure accomplishment is what I feel.” Rafael leaned back, stretching his aching back muscles, rubbing a hand over one in his lower back that was particularly tight.

Sonny moved behind him, swatting Rafael’s hand away and kneading the knot with his thumb. Rafael groaned and practically melted against him. “Why don’t you take a nice, hot shower, and I’ll order some food and pour us some drinks?” Sonny said softly against his ear. “We can unpack all of this tomorrow.”

He actually hadn’t brought that much. Rafael already had furniture so most of Sonny’s had been sold or donated. All except for his beloved recliner. That had been a battle, but he’d won and wasn’t ashamed that he’d used the promise of sexual favors to do it.

“Counter offer,” Rafael said, turning to face him, wrapping his arms around his back. “You join me in the shower and we order food after.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Counselor.” Sonny dipped his head, kissing him soundly, teasing his tongue at the seam of Rafael’s lips until he parted them. He’d just curled his tongue into Rafael’s mouth when his phone beeped in his pocket.

Rafael groaned in protest as Sonny pulled away.

“Sorry, I’m technically on call even though Lieu said she’d do her best not to pull me in today,” he said reaching into his pocket for his phone.

“You’re lucky you didn’t catch a case before we finished,” Rafael told him. “I would have left all of your stuff on the street.”

Sonny just shot him an unamused look before turning his attention to his phone. His pulse picked up as the words ‘Sergeants Exam’ jumped out at him upon first glance at the Lieutenant’s text message. He hesitated to read the rest, fearing the worst.

His heart rate only increased when he did read it. “I passed.”

“What?” Rafael asked, but then realization dawned. “The exam? I thought you wouldn’t find out until next week.”

“Liv got a peek at the results early.” He held up his phone as proof. “I passed. And I’m—I’m 11th on the list.” He couldn’t quite believe it. He’d had to look at the number a few times to make sure he was reading it right. He’d taken the test on a whim, figuring that even if he did pass he’d be so far down the list that it would be months, maybe even a year or so before he’d be promoted, but this meant it would be soon. Really soon.

“Well, that’s not surprising. You’ve passed the Bar. This was probably nothing,” Rafael said with a smile. “Congratulations. I’m proud of you.”

It felt good to do well on the exam, but it was nothing compared to having Rafael tell him that he was proud. He was so smart and so good at what he did that Sonny often felt severely outclassed by him. It was nice to be able to share this accomplishment with him.

“So, I guess this means you’re officially staying with the police department?” Rafael asked carefully and Sonny sighed.

“We talked about this when I signed up for the exam.” It had been a whole thing, Sonny weighing the pros and cons of staying with the NYPD verses practicing law. Rafael had done an impressive job of remaining neutral and helping him talk through the merits of both even though Sonny knew which side he fell on.

“I know, it’s just, happening faster than I thought it would.”

_ Yeah, me too _ , Sonny thought. “A promotion doesn’t mean it’s permanent. I can always leave if I choose to. And I’m close enough to my twenty that I could retire and still have plenty of time to practice law.”

“You’re right.” Rafael rubbed his hands up and down Sonny’s upper arms. “So, this means no more SVU. Are you ready for that? To move on?”

Sonny’s face fell a little.

He wouldn’t miss the cases, even though there was so much satisfaction in it when they succeeded. Helping a victim was the best thing there was, but the lows were bad and they were many, and he wouldn’t think twice about leaving those behind.

But the squad. Leaving them would be difficult. They were a self made family of misfits and they meant the world to him. “We’ll keep in touch,” he said with certainty. “You’ll still be working with them so I’ll have an excuse to come around.”

“Ok, so, new plan,” Rafael began. “We’ll shower and then put on something nice and go out to dinner to celebrate.”

“You’re not too tired?” Sonny asked.

“I’m never too tired to celebrate you.” He gave him a quick peck on the lips before letting go of his arms and heading for the bathroom. He turned in the hallway, finding that Sonny hadn’t moved. “Are you going join me?”

“Yeah, sorry, I was just—it just hit me, ya know?” Sonny finally began moving toward him. “All the things I wanted. Work, you, it’s all falling into place. How did I get so lucky?”

“You’ve worked so hard.” Rafael reached up, gently pushing back the curl of hair that dipped over his forehead. “You deserve to be happy. And I’m the lucky one, that you’re happy with me.”

Sonny kissed him soundly, pressing him against the wall. “I’ll always be happy with you.”


	5. I'm a Part of That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2019 - Rafael**

Rafael clapped his hands together and cheered loudly when Sonny’s name was announced, watching with pride swelling in his chest as Chief Dodds pinned the Medal of Valor to Sonny’s chest. He looked handsome as always in his dress uniform, his hat placed over carefully coiffed hair that Sonny had spent a ridiculously long time perfecting that morning despite Rafael pointing out that it would be under a hat.

He watched as Sonny’s eyes searched the crowd, finally spotting Rafael and grinning, his dimples creasing his cheeks. Rafael continued to clap, raising his eyebrows at him and earning a wink in return.

Later, as cops in and out of uniform crammed into their apartment, eating and drinking and laughing and congratulating Sonny, Rafael stood off to the side of the room, leaning against the wall with Olivia by his side.

“You must be proud of him,” she said, both hands wrapped around her glass of wine.

“I am.” He didn’t even hesitate. It was the truth, but it had taken him awhile to get there. At first he’d been terrified and then so angry he couldn’t see straight. The image of Sonny taking on an armed suspect all on his own had plagued Rafael for weeks. Every night he’d dreamed of it, only those times the outcome wasn’t so pleasant.

But Sonny’s warm presence next to him in bed and the soft assurances he whispered in his ear were enough to eventually convince his brain that his husband was safe. And with that came the realization that what Sonny had done was truly heroic. If he hadn’t acted when he did, if he’d waited for backup, the hostage might not have survived.

“You should be proud of yourself too.” Olivia glanced over at him, but he didn’t take his eyes off of Sonny, watching as he laughed with his fellow officers, taking the literal and figurative pats on the back with an unassuming smile. “He wouldn’t be the cop he is without you.”

Now he did look over at her, disbelieving. “I’m not so sure about that.” He might have agreed with her had Sonny chosen to follow the law. If they were standing here celebrating Sonny making partner or winning a big case, he’d probably feel that he’d had a hand in it. Afterall, he’d spent hours helping him study and prepare for the Bar, but this. No. He didn’t hold any claim to Sonny being a hero. He was pretty sure he was just born that way, with an instinctive need to protect others, even if it meant sacrificing himself.

“From day one he wanted to be a better cop, a better lawyer, a better man, to be worthy of you,” Olivia told him and Barba might have laughed if she wasn’t so serious. “We all saw it. He was falling all over himself to impress you.”

Well, that was certainly true, Rafael thought with a small smile, but he couldn’t help but think that the key word there was ‘was’ as he watched that young detective, Mark or Matt or Mike, whatever his name was, laugh at something Sonny said, placing a hand on Sonny’s bicep, curling his long fingers around it. Sonny leaned in then, saying something only the detective could hear and they both laughed.

Who exactly was Sonny trying to be a better cop for these days, Rafael wondered.

“You know,” Olivia spoke again, almost hesitantly, and the trepidation in her voice was enough to have Rafael tearing his eyes away from Sonny. “I saw Dodds at the ceremony. He said something about making Carisi the face of the department’s new LGBTQ initiative.”

Rafael scoffed. “Sonny will never go for that. All the shit he got from not only his fellow boys in blue, but also the brass, as a bi patrolman? The comments he still overhears when people think he isn’t listening? Why would he help them?”

Olivia shrugged, looking around the room at all of the cops in attendance, her own squad mixed with Sonny’s new one, and a few others he’d met along the way. “He seems to be fitting in pretty nicely.”

He couldn’t argue with that. Everyone who took the time to get to know Sonny fell in love with him. He was handsome, and smart, and completely charming in a goofy, unassuming way. It was impossible not to get pulled in by him, to want to be in his orbit always. Rafael was case in point.

Finally, Sonny looked over, catching his husband and former Lieutenant watching him from across the room. He smiled, and damn it if Rafael’s heart didn’t skip a beat. All this time and he still had that effect on him.

He excused himself from the group that surrounded him, and started to make his way across short expanse of hardwood to Rafael, but then—

“Congrats, Sarge!” A large, burly man, clamped a hand down on Sonny’s shoulder. “I was just telling Hiatt the other day that—”

Sonny sent Rafael an apologetic glance before turning fully to pay attention to the man and Rafael sighed. He went to take a sip of his scotch, but found his glass empty, only irritating him further. “I’m going to get a refill,” he told Olivia, disappearing into the kitchen before she could respond.


	6. The Schmuel Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2017 - Sonny**

It was like something out of a movie, Rafael had told him the year before when they’d attended this same party, having only been together six months. And now, looking around at his parents’ house, he supposed it was true. A giant evergreen decked out in lights and garland and countless handmade ornaments created by Sonny and his sisters during their school days stood in the corner of the room, shining brightly, while guests abounded, taking up nearly every space on the ground level of the house. 

His uncles sat around the kitchen table, playing cards, while his ma and aunts gossiped, and kids squealed and ran through the maze of adults who just shook their heads and laughed at their antics. It was even snowing outside, collecting on the bottoms of the windows like something out of a postcard.

He hadn’t really thought about it before, not until Rafael had said something. It had always been like this. Growing up, there had never been a quiet moment in the the Carisi household nor an extra sleeping surface to be found during the month of December. Relatives came and went and the annual Carisi Christmas Party was always the biggest event in the neighborhood.

But looking at it through Rafael’s eyes, he could see how it was quite extravagant. He knew that Rafael’s childhood Christmases hadn’t been the best, with little money and an abusive alcoholic father, it had been hard for him to get into the Christmas spirit. And then when it was just he, his mother, and his abuelita, and later still when it was just he and his mother, Christmases were small, quiet affairs. Sonny could see how the chaos of the Carisi household could overwhelm him.

Which was why, at the moment, he was sure he’d find his boyfriend hiding out in his father’s den, the one room off limits to guests, drinking alone and checking his emails. He started for the hallway that would take him there when he stopped, surprised. There was Rafael, scotch in hand—poured from the bottle his mother kept in the house specifically for him—talking with Bella and Tommy.

“Sonny,” Bella said cheerfully as he approached them and he could tell by the pink in her cheeks that she was already a few drinks in. “Rafael used to watch La Mentira! Can you believe it?”

“Well, my abuelita did,” Rafael corrected, taking a sip of his drink.

“That Spanish soap opera you were obsessed with when we were kids?” Sonny asked, looking at Rafael with amusement.

“ _ Telenovela, _ ” Bella corrected, rolling her eyes at him before turning back to Rafael. “He never got it.”

“Neither did you!” Sonny argued. “You didn’t understand a word they said.”

“I didn’t have to. I could  _ feel _ it. And that’s what really matters, right Rafael?”

“Well,” Rafael began, but struggled to find a diplomatic way to answer. Sonny was about to save him when Teresa yelled across the room.

“Bella! Angela doesn’t believe that you saw John Cusack at Starbucks. Come show her the picture!”

“Ugh, c’mon, Tommy,” Bella said as if she had been asked to make a great sacrifice, grabbing Tommy’s hand and pulling him cross the room.

“Your family is exhausting,” Rafael told him, but there was affection in it.

“Tell me about it.” He sipped his beer and leaned a shoulder on the doorway between the living room and kitchen, looking down at Rafael. “So, telenovelas, huh?”

Rafael shrugged, “My abuelita was obsessed. She always had them on when I went over after school. I’d study while she watched.”

Sonny often found himself feeling disappointed that he hadn’t gotten the chance to meet Rafael’s grandmother. She sounded like an amazing woman and if nothing else, he would have loved the opportunity to thank her for the part she’d played in raising such an incredible man.

He didn’t say any of this though. It wasn’t the time or place. He knew it would only serve to put Rafael in a melancholy mood. Instead, he stayed silent, drinking from his beer bottle and surveying the crowd, which had grown considerably over the last hour or so. “Oh, wow.”

“What?” Rafael looked at him curiously over his glass.

“Melissa Gallo is here. I haven’t seen her in years.”

“Old girlfriend?” Rafael asked with a smirk, following Sonny’s gaze to where an attractive brunette about Sonny’s age was speaking with Gina and a couple of Sonny’s cousins.

“No, but not for lack of trying on my mother’s part.”

“She’s relentless, your mother,” Rafael said not without admiration.

Sonny snorted, “Tell me about it. At least she finally dropped it when Melissa moved to the city to become an actress. Ma found that career choice to be ‘flighty and unreliable’.”

“Relentless and not a big supporter of the arts,” Rafael amended his previous statement.

“At least not when it comes to her potential future daughter-in-law,” Sonny said with mock seriousness. “She wasn’t entirely wrong though. Melissa’s been at it over fifteen years and as far as I know she’s only done a couple of small plays and a commercial for a furniture store.”

Rafael grimaced. “That’s rough.”

“Right? It’s like, when do you realize it’s just not gonna happen? Why keep at it when clearly you’re not going to make it anywhere?” He watched as Rafael’s expression darkened and wanted to kick himself. “Raf—”

“I need a refill,” Rafael held up his empty glass as proof. “Need anything?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Rafael just gave a small nod of acknowledgement, disappearing into the kitchen in search of his bottle of scotch.

* * *

It was late when they arrived home, the journey back into the city having felt even longer than usual. Rafael, who had disappeared into Dominick Sr’s study for the entire second half of the evening, had barely said a word the entire trip home and remained quiet now, removing his coat and hanging it on the rack by the door.

“You okay?” Sonny finally asked, hanging up his own coat and toeing off his shoes.

“Fine,” Rafael responded, sounding anything but.

Sonny sighed, regretting ever opening his mouth about Melissa Gallo. “Come here.” He took Rafael by the hand and pulled him into the living room, flipping a light switch on his way by. Their tree, much smaller and more scraggly than the one in his parents’ house—”Ugly trees need love too,” he’d insisted to Rafael when they’d gone to pick one out—came to life, the colorful lights casting a beautiful glow to the otherwise dark room.

He had Rafael wait on the couch while he sifted through the small cluster of presents underneath the tree, finally finding the box that he wanted.

“I know you think you don’t have options,” Sonny began, joining him on the couch and setting the small, wrapped box next to him on cushion so that he could take Rafael’s hands in his. “But you do. If the DA doesn’t see how incredible you are, then go somewhere else.”

Rafael scoffed, “And where would that be?”

“Anywhere. The Innocence Project, the CCRB. You could teach or you could even start your own practice.”

He was shaking his head before Sonny had even finished saying the words. “I’m too old to go out on my own. It’s too late to be starting over anywhere. It’s just...it’s what it is, okay?”

“I know it’s a few days early, but—” Sonny picked up the present now, handing it to Rafael who looked confused by the interruption of what he no doubt believed to be the beginning of an argument.

“We have to do this now?”

“Yes.”

Sighing like it was a great burden to receive a gift, Rafael peeled back the shiny red paper, revealing a black gift box.

“You have such a brilliant mind,” Sonny said when Rafael opened the hinged lid, revealing a beautiful Hamilton Ventura watch with a brown leather strap. “You’re a phenomenal lawyer, you can do literally anything.” He reached over, pulling the watch from the case and fastening it around Rafael’s wrist. “And it’s not too late. You have all the time in the world.”

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly, emotion making his voice catch, and he leaned forward, brushing a kiss across Sonny’s lips.

“Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you?” Sonny asked quietly.

Rafael wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him close again, his breath ghosting across Sonny’s lips as he said, “Show me instead.”  
  



	7. A Summer in Ohio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. They'll cross paths in the middle. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2018 - Rafael**

The hotel room door closed with a loud click behind him and Rafael sighed, glad to have another day over with. Only 24 more to go.

Two months ago, when Peter Stone had stopped him in the hallway and mentioned that he had a friend who was a law professor at the University of Dayton and needed someone to come act as a guest lecturer for a six week summer program, and wondered if Rafael would be interested—Stone normally did it himself, but he was just _so busy_ now that he’d taken the EADA position—he hadn’t really felt like he was in a position to say no.

He’d already been passed up for promotion, suspended several times, and lost high profile cases. How could he turn down a request from his new boss and the DA’s golden boy?

So here he was, in one of Dayton, Ohio’s finest hotel suites, eighteen days into a six week sentence.

It wasn’t all terrible, the students were bright and focused—only those who truly cared about the subject matter would give up half of their summer to study it further—and it was nice to impart his wisdom on others who eagerly soaked it all in.

Now that Sonny had decided to fully focus on the NYPD, his debates with Rafael over the law had become fewer and fewer, and it was nice to flex those muscles again.

But Dayton itself was torture. There was very little to do, especially without a car—it was the first time in his life he’d regretted never getting a driver’s license—and he was bored out of his mind. When he’d first arrived, one of the professors at the college had invited him over to dinner with his family, but Rafael had declined. He’d rather eat fast food alone in his hotel room than sit through two hours of domestic midwestern prattle.

He sat the bag that held his dinner, grease stains seeping through the brown paper, onto the desk he’d been using as a table, and poured two fingers of scotch—the only thing he’d purchased for the room—into one of the two tumblers the hotel provided. He took a sip, enjoying the slow burn, before settling at the desk, pulling the burger and fries from the bag.

Rafael had just taken his first bite when his phone chimed with the FaceTime alert. He grinned. It was his favorite part of each day. He swallowed and ran fingers through his hair, making sure it was in place, before answering the call. “Hey,” he greeted happily when Sonny’s face appeared on his phone screen, earbuds in his ears and the chaos of the precinct behind him. “Still at work?”

“Yeah,” Sonny glanced around, “It’s been quite the day.”

“Oh, well, I can let you go if you need to—”

“No,” Sonny fixed him with a smile. “I have a minute. How was your day? Your boyfriend still wishing for my demise?”

Rafael huffed a laugh. “I never should have told you about that.” One of the students, an older man who was attending law school as a career change, had shown a special interest in Rafael, finding excuses to speak with him after class and even inviting him out for coffee . The look on his face when Rafael had declined, saying that he had a phone date with his husband, had been so hilarious that Rafael couldn’t help telling Sonny the story.

Sonny had found it quite funny and asked after Rafael’s ‘boyfriend’ every time they talked.

“Just wondering if I should get a protective detail or not,” Sonny joked, his dimples deepening as his grin widened.

“I think you’re safe,” Rafael assured him. “These people are so boring. None of them would ever do something as exciting as taking out a hit on one of NYPD’s finest sergeants.

“You underestimate how hot you are,” Sonny leaned toward his phone, voice lowered. “Your ass is worth killing over.”

A warmth spread through him, but Rafael rolled his eyes for show. “You’re just saying that because it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve gotten laid.”

“Maybe, but it’s still true.” Sonny glanced around him at all of his fellow officers. “I swear if I wasn’t in this precinct right now…” He shook his head. “Talk to me about Dayton so I don’t end this call with a boner.”

“Ugh,” the scoff escaped him involuntarily at the mention of Dayton.

Sonny chuckled. “So it’s growing on you then?”

“I could maybe handle the sheer boredom if I could find something decent to eat,” Rafael complained, glancing down at his now cold burger and fries. Not that it made much difference. He was pretty sure reheated fast food wasn’t much worse than “fresh” fast food.

“McDonald’s again?” Sonny asked, his face scrunched. He wasn’t the food snob that he was often accused of being, he enjoyed a Big Mac now and then, but poor Rafael had been living on it for nearly 3 weeks.

“I mixed things up tonight and went with Wendy’s, just to keep things fresh,” Rafael said sarcastically, holding up the bag as evidence. “I’d freaking kill for some decent Thai food.”

“I’m sorry, babe. When you get home I’m going to cook you the best meal you’ve ever had. Anything you want,” Sonny promised.

Rafael mentally scanned through the list of Sonny’s many specialties. It was going to be a tough decision. “I think you owe me more than one meal after bailing on me this weekend.”

The corners of Sonny’s mouth dipped. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s all hands on deck with this freakin’ Quentin robbery.”

Rafael understood, they both had to work their fair share of weekends, but it had been almost three weeks since they’d seen each other and he had been looking forward to Sonny’s visit. He didn’t say anything though. He knew Sonny felt guilty and there was no use making it worse.

“The CI’s tip didn’t pan out?”

Sonny shook his head. “We don’t know. The judge denied our warrant.”

“Which judge?” Rafael asked, eager to play even a small part in an actual case. Presenting law students with past cases and hypotheticals just didn’t produce the same excitement. “Because I can call—”

Sonny laughed. “Dempsey’s on it. But thank you.”

“Sure,” Rafael deflated a bit. “Let me know if he—”

“Hey, Sarge!”

Sonny turned to look at someone who Rafael couldn’t see, covering the mic on his headphones with his hand while he spoke with whoever it was. Finally, he moved his hand and looked back at the screen. “I gotta go, Raf. We might have something finally.”

“Okay. Be safe. I love you.”

“Love you too,” Sonny said quickly and then he was gone.

Rafael sat his phone down, picking at the cold fries in front of him, eating one and frowning. No, they were definitely worse cold. He shoved the food away, picking up his scotch instead and taking a hearty sip. He spun his wedding band around his finger with his thumb, watching as the artificial light on the desk bounced off of the gold.

Only 24 days to go...  


	8. The Next Ten Minutes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway there! Thanks to all of you who are still reading this!
> 
> As always, any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2018 - Sonny & Rafael**

“Come on, let’s go in for a minute,” Sonny said enthusiastically, tugging on Rafael’s hand and pointing toward the entrance to Central Park. 

“Sonny, the movie—” Rafael protested, but allowed himself to be pulled into the park.

“We have plenty of time.” Sonny waved a hand like it was no big deal.

The plan for the day had been brunch, an early movie, and then a thrilling afternoon spent picking out a new mattress. A stroll through Central Park had been nowhere on the agenda, but it was the first beautiful spring day that they’d had and Sonny was prone to such whims. Whims that Rafael found it very difficult to say no to.

They passed by Strawberry Fields, watching as tourists left flowers and posed for pictures with the memorial, and strolled deeper into the park. Sonny took a left, heading north so they could walk along the lake.

“We should do this more often,” he said, looking over at Rafael. “It’s nice to get out and be reminded of the beauty the city has to offer instead of just trudging through the worst of it, day after day.”

Rafael hummed noncommittally, knowing that they probably wouldn’t set foot in Central Park again for months, but not wanting to rain on Sonny’s good mood.

They continued to walk along the lake, sometimes chatting about nothing in particular and sometimes enjoying an easy silence, until they came upon the Shakespeare garden.

“I’ve never been in here, have you?” Sonny asked.

“No, but—” Rafael’s protests went unnoticed as Sonny was already pulling him gently into the garden.

Even in early spring, when the greenery was just coming back to life and flowers were beginning to bud, the garden was beautiful. Its stone pathways and wooden fences, gave it an air of something magical, hidden among the steel and concrete of the city.

But as much as Rafael was enjoying himself, they were on a time crunch. “We need to go if we’re going to make the movie.”

“Just ten more minutes,” Sonny suggested, moving deeper into the garden instead of out of it.

Rafael frowned. They were going to miss the trailers, and he probably wouldn’t have time to buy popcorn. Even though that was probably a good thing considering how much he’d eaten at brunch. Maybe if—

“And then maybe ten more after that.”

“What?” Rafael’s brow furrowed and he missed the trepidation in Sonny’s eyes. “If you don’t want to see the movie I picked, just say so. We can skip it.”

Sonny sighed, guiding them over to a bench and taking both of Rafael’s hands in his. “I’m doing such a bad job at this. That’s why I came here. I thought maybe, like, the spirit of Shakespeare would help me with the words.”

Rafael looked at him like he was crazy. “You do know Shakespeare isn’t actually buried here, right? What’s going on?” He noticed Sonny’s hands were trembling in his and suddenly he was worried. Had Sonny brought him here to break up with him?

Taking a deep breath, Sonny lifted his head, meeting Rafael’s eyes with his own. “What’s going on is that I’m trying to ask you to marry me and I’m really screwing it up.”

“You’re what?” Rafael felt his mouth go dry and his own hands started to shake.

“There’s still so much that I want to do, you know? Cook and travel and grow my career and a hundred other things I haven’t even thought of yet, but I don’t want to do any of it—I  _ can’t _ do any of it—without you by my side. I love you so much, Raf. Will you marry me?”

Rafael wanted to say yes, wanted to comment that perhaps Shakespeare’s ghost had actually showed up to help because that was pretty damn good, but instead he said, “I’m not the easiest person to live with, I know that. I’m surly and demanding and impatient and addicted to caffeine and I...do you really want to deal with that, with me, for the rest of your life?”

“I do,” Sonny said with a grin.

“Good,” Rafael smiled. “Because I really want to be your husband.”

Sonny’s grin widened, his dimples creasing his cheeks, and it only disappeared when Rafael pulled him in for a kiss.

It was only weeks later that they found themselves back in the same garden, standing in front of family and friends, vowing to love one another in sickness and health, til death do them part.

The guests cheered as Sonny pulled him in dramatically for a kiss, making their nuptials official, but Rafael heard nothing but the pounding of his own heart. It wasn’t nerves making it feel like his heart would leap from his chest, but the thrill of knowing he’d have a lifetime of nights on the couch watching ridiculous TV shows and Saturday afternoons spent debating case law until one of them gave in and kissed the other breathless. An endless sea of mornings stretched out before him, all dimples and ocean blue eyes, and he knew he was the luckiest man in the world.

Sonny grinned at him as he pulled away, but not too far, hand on his cheek and eyes shining. “You’re stuck with me now,” he said quietly.

Rafael’s smile grew bigger as he looked up at his husband. “Just for ten more minutes?”

Sonny chuckled softly. “Yeah, and maybe ten more after that.”   


	9. A Miracle Would Happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2018 - Sonny**

Sonny leaned against the bar, bringing his glass to his lips, the gold of his wedding band glinting in the overhead lights of the hotel ballroom. Swallowing, he sent up a small prayer of thanks that NYPD events had beer and that it was acceptable to order it. It was always frowned upon at the swanky events he attended with Rafael. He’d never understood why if there was beer available, he couldn’t order it. He supposed it was some sort of test. 

But that wasn’t the case here. Even with all of the police officers in their dress uniforms and everyone else in attendance dressed to the nines, they were all still civil servants underneath, happy to enjoy pigs in a blanket and a nice cold beer.

“Sergeant,” a familiar voice said from behind him and he spun to find Olivia, looking impeccable in her dress uniform.

“Lieutenant,” he responded with a smile. “It’s great to see you.” It really was. He hadn’t seen her since the wedding and even then it had only been for a few minutes. For all his intent to keep in touch with everyone at SVU, it had been difficult, even with Rafael as a connection between them.

“You too.” She paused to order a glass of wine from the bartender before turning back to Sonny. “No Rafael tonight?”

He shook his head, trying not to let his frustration show on his face. “He was supposed to, but he said something came up at work that he had to take care of.” Sonny hadn’t bought it. As far as excuses went, it was pretty flimsy, but he supposed it was better to have no Rafael with him rather than a miserable one.

“How’s the new assignment treating you? Got any know-it-all detectives underneath you?” Olivia shot him a grin, picking up the wineglass the bartender had delivered.

“A couple,” he said with a laugh. “If I caused you any of the grief these guys bring me, I apologize.”

“Oh, you weren’t that bad, at least after awhile.” She caught sight of someone over Sonny’s shoulder and sighed. “I’m being summoned by Dodds. Find me again before you leave. We have more catching up to do.”

“Sure,” Sonny agreed easily, knowing they’d probably go months without seeing each other again.

When she left he signaled the bartender for a refill, deciding that he should probably mingle a bit. Solo loser by the bar wasn’t really the vibe he wanted to put out.

“Hey, Sergeant.”

Sonny turned, surprised to find Matt Martinez, one of the know-it-all detectives to which he’d referred just minutes before. “Detective Martinez, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Yeah, well, I figure I should show my face at these events if I want to climb the ranks as fast as you did,” the detective said, gesturing toward the room.

“Didn’t feel very fast,” Sonny said, taking a drink of his beer.

“Are you kidding me? A sergeant already and you’re still so young?”

“Nah, not really.” He reached up, unconsciously touching his hair at the temples where more gray appeared every day.

Matt shook his head, leaning a forearm against the bar, putting himself closer to Sonny, looking up at him with admiring eyes. “You’re too modest. All this success and a lawyer to boot? It’s quite impressive.”

Sonny picked up his beer again, working to distract himself from dark eyes framed by long black lashes, but looking away wouldn’t do anything to save him from the enticing smell of cologne or the warmth he felt emanating from the man who stood so close.

“It was just a lot of hard work and very little sleep,” Sonny said finally, taking the smallest step back to put some space between them. “If you don’t mind either of those, then you’ll get there.”

“Oh, I’m willing to put in the work,” Matt assured him, placing a large hand on Sonny’s forearm. “When I set my sights on something, I go for it, all in.”

Sonny looked down at his hand, but didn’t do anything to remove it. “And that usually works out for you?”

“Always has so far.”

“Am I interrupting something?”

Sonny startled at the sound of Rafael’s voice and he jerked his arm away from Matt’s touch. “Raf, I didn’t think you were coming.”

Rafael gave him a look that said clearly that was the case. “I said I’d try.”

He’d swapped his suit for a tux, which meant he’d taken it to work with him, which also meant that he had actually been planning on coming all along. Sonny felt guilt wash over him and he wondered if Rafael could see it. But Rafael wasn’t looking at him, he was eyeing Matt, who was still standing a little too close.

Sonny stepped away, placing a hand on the middle of Rafael’s back. “Raf, this is Matt Martinez, he works at my new precinct. Matt this is my husband, Rafael.”

Rafael put on his most welcoming smile—which made Sonny nervous—and held out a hand. “It’s nice to meet you Officer Martinez.”

“It’s Detective, actually,” Matt said, gripping Rafael’s hand.

“Congratulations, Doogie.” Sonny cringed at the reference, but luckily Matt didn’t seem to pick up on it.

A silence fell over them and Sonny shifted on his feet. “We were just talking about work,” he said lamely, and it was close enough to the truth that he didn’t feel too bad about it.

“Well, if it’s something important I can leave you alone,” Rafael offered, looking between the two of them and sounding for all the world like he meant it.

“Oh, no, that’s not necessary,” Sonny slid his hand from Rafael’s back and took his hand. “I think Detective Martinez was planning on doing some networking anyway.”

“That’s right,” the detective said. “Gotta schmooze if I want to be as successful as this guy.” Matt clapped a hand on Sonny’s shoulder. “It was great meeting you, Rafael.”

The second he was gone, Rafael dropped Sonny’s hand, moving closer to the bar so he could get the bartender’s attention. “Someone has a type.”

“What?” Sonny’s brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

Rafael just gave him a smirk, turning to order a scotch. “I’m talking about the me from twenty years ago that was just hanging all over you,” he said once he had a drink in his hand.

“He wasn’t—We weren’t—” Sonny stopped, taking a deep breath and trying to figure out what exactly he wanted to say. Finally, he leaned forward, placing a hand to Rafael’s cheek. “You have nothing to worry about, okay?”

Rafael just looked up at him, sipping his drink, and for the first time Sonny felt like a perp on the other side of the interrogation table.

“Come on,” Sonny said, trying to salvage their evening. He was genuinely happy that Rafael had decided to join him and he didn’t want their night to be ruined by that, whatever it was with Matt. “Let’s go grab some food. And Liv is here, I’m sure she’d be happy to see you.” 

"I just saw her this afternoon,” Rafael picked his glass up off the bar, eyes scanning the room and finding the hors d'oeuvres table. “I still work with her, remember?”

Sonny sighed and didn’t answer, falling into step next to him as they weaved their way toward to the food. Across the room, Matt was talking with a group of people, but he caught Sonny’s eye and gave him a wink.

He should look away, Sonny thought, his heart racing at even that small of gesture. He should look away and put his hand on the small of Rafael’s back and apologize, saying something stupid that would make him laugh. But he didn’t, instead he kept his eyes on the detective, long after he’d returned to his conversation.  
  



	10. When You Come Home To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2017 - Rafael**

His back ached, his empty stomach growled, and a headache that was on the verge of becoming a migraine pounded behind his eyes. All Rafael wanted was a quiet night at home with Sonny. A good meal and some bad TV with the man he loved was just the remedy for a day such as this one.

He’d even stopped by Sonny’s favorite Thai place and picked up dinner so that Sonny wouldn’t have to cook said good meal, but his phone buzzed just as he opened the door of their apartment, struggling to juggle keys, briefcase and takeout bag.

He dropped the briefcase to the floor, pulling his phone from the breast pocket of his suit.

_Gonna be a late one_   
_Not sure when I’ll be home_

Rafael sighed and started to return his phone to his pocket, but it vibrated again, signaling another message.

_Love you_

He pocketed the phone without answering, picked up his briefcase from the floor where he’d dropped it, and made his way to the kitchen. Sonny’s dinner went into the fridge and he poured himself two fingers of scotch before settling in at the small kitchen table, case file open in front of him.

He hadn’t eaten anything but half of a dry muffin all day, but suddenly his appetite waned and he shoved his container of pad thai off to the side, choosing instead to only indulge in scotch and work. The scotch hit his empty stomach and burned, but instead of turning him off of it, he indulged, sipping again and feeling the slow burn radiate through him.

It wasn’t the evening he’d had in mind when he’d left the office, but it was familiar. This had been his life before Sonny, scotch and work for dinner, sometimes at his kitchen table, but more often than not on the couch in his office. There’d been talk of course, about how he was a workaholic, about his lack of a life outside of the walls of One Hogan Place, but it didn’t bother him. He’d been content.

But then Sonny had come along and for the first time in a long time, he’d found himself craving company and companionship. Suddenly those late nights at the office included an overeager detective and actual food, insisted upon by said detective. He’d played it off, pretended that it was an imposition, but he’d loved those hours spent in his office, sitting close enough on his couch to smell Sonny’s cologne.

And now, a year into their relationship, he’d grown more dependent on Sonny than he’d care to admit. When things weren’t going so well at work—which was the case more often than not as of late—it was Sonny who distracted him from the frustration, who made him feel better with the realization that there was more to life than work. He’d been counting on that tonight, and it hurt him more than he liked that he wouldn’t be getting it.

Taking a deep breath, he straightened his spine even though there was no one there to see it, and focused on the file in front of him.

It was a couple hours, and two scotches, later when he heard Sonny’s key in the door. It was only when Sonny flipped on the hall light that he realized that he hadn’t turned on any lights in the apartment. The streetlights streaming through the kitchen window had been enough for him to read the casenotes in front of him.

“Hey,” Sonny sounded a bit surprised as he walked into the room. He’d changed out of his uniform at work and was back in the jeans and t-shirt he’d been wearing when he left the apartment that morning. “Why are you sitting in the dark?”

“Didn’t realize I was,” Rafael said honestly, looking up from the file.

Sonny laughed, shaking his head and stooping down to place a quick kiss on Rafael’s lips. “You were so wrapped up that you didn’t eat your dinner.” He gestured to the pad thai that Rafael had abandoned. “Want me to heat it up for you?”

The two glasses of scotch he’d had were sitting heavy in his stomach, but Rafael nodded anyway, smiling slightly. “Sure, thanks. Yours is in the fridge.”

“Oh, I grabbed something at work, but thanks.” Sonny’s back was turned as he punched buttons on the microwave, so he didn’t see Rafael’s face fall and he’d managed to fix it back into place before Sonny turned around, leaning against the counter while he waited on Rafael’s food to heat up. “What are you working on?”

While being a sergeant was what Sonny had wanted, the year of overseeing a patrol squad was taking its toll on him. He wasn’t using his brain in the same way that he was used to and he often asked Rafael about cases he was working on, just so he could keep those muscles in shape. It wouldn’t be long before his year was up and he’d be put in charge of a squad of detectives, working actual cases again.

“Just your typical he said, she said, the administration is a giant fuck up, case at Hudson.” Rafael flipped the file closed and pushed it aside as Sonny sat his food down in front of him. “Thank you.”

“It’s both disturbing and a comfort that things haven’t changed.” He popped the top off of a bottle of beer and slid into the seat across from Rafael so they could talk while he ate.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t mind at all if this changed. It’s getting old,” Rafael grumbled, using chopsticks to shovel a bite of pad thai into his mouth.

Sonny tilted his head, looking at him with concern. “Everything okay?”

Rafael nodded, swallowing his food before speaking. “Yes, now that you’re here.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” Sonny offered, taking a sip from his bottle.

“No,” Rafael shook his head, setting down his chopsticks to reach over and place his hand on Sonny’s. “I want to spend what’s left of this evening with you doing anything but talking about work.”

Sonny smiled, turning his hand so that he could thread his fingers through Rafael’s, giving his hand a squeeze. “I think I can make that happen.”


	11. Climbing Uphill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.
> 
> I'm finally back on track with this and updates should be coming more regularly again. Thanks to those of you who have stuck with it!

**2017 - Rafael**

A coffee in one hand and his phone in the other, Rafael used one thumb to tap out an irritated email to Olivia as he walked down the hall of One Hogan Place. They’d somehow managed to screw up chain of custody with a key piece of evidence and all of his patience had been used up that day. 

“Rafael,” a jovial voice called out and he looked up to find Jack McCoy standing with a man he’d never seen before.

Rafael tucked his phone in his jacket pocket. “Jack.”

“I’d like you to meet Peter Stone.” Jack gestured toward the man next to him. Tall and tan, he was the mirror image of all the rich jerks he’d shared classes with at Harvard Law. Rafael already disliked him. “He’s your new EADA. We managed to steal him away from Chicago. His father was one hell of a prosecutor and he is too. Peter this is ADA Rafael Barba, he mostly works with Manhattan SVU.”

It took every ounce of willpower Rafael had to keep his expression neutral. It was supposed to have been his job. He’d gone through the indignity of an interview even though the DA was more than aware of what he was capable of, he’d been assured that his name was at the top of the list, that he shouldn’t be worried, and now here was Lawyer Ken Doll, at least a decade his junior, swooping in to take it from him, all because his dad had been someone once.

He hadn’t even gotten the courtesy of a heads up, instead was blindsided with the news here in the hallway like they were discussing the weather. Rafael didn’t know how he’d missed it. The gossip mill usually came through on matters such as these, but even when it didn’t, Carmen was usually able to suss out any information he needed. Jack had apparently played this one close to the vest.

“It’s great to meet you.” Stone stuck out his hand and Rafael hesitated only a moment, shaking it with the firmest grip his could muster.

“You as well. Congratulations on the job.” He felt bile rise up at the back of his throat, but swallowed it down.

“Thank you. I’ll be sure to have my assistant put some time on your calendar so we can get to know one another.”

“Looking forward to it,” Rafael said with a smile that he was sure looked more like a grimace, but it was the best he could do.

“We’ll let you get back to work. With the way SVU screwed up your chain of evidence, I’m sure you’ve got plenty to do.” Jack gave him a light slap on the back before he and Peter continued on their way. He didn’t know how a man as busy as Jack McCoy managed to always know every hiccup in every case, but it was aggravating on a good day. And now, having his problematic case pointed out in front of Stone was just humiliating.

“Carmen,” he said forcefully when he walked into his office. “Hold all of my calls unless it’s someone from SVU, and only let them through if they’re telling me they’ve figured out a way to fix this god forsaken mess they’ve created.”

Carmen, never one to react to his fits of overdrama, said plainly, “Of course, Mr. Barba.”

He let his door slam behind him and removed his jacket before sinking into his desk chair with a sigh, letting the realization that he’d be here forever—in this office arguing with SVU until he retired—sink in. He was notoriously pessimistic, always looked at the glass as half empty, but he’d actually gotten his hopes up about this one. A mistake. It was always a mistake to have hope.

He tried to work, but the words in the casefile in front of him all blurred together. He couldn’t even blame it on Sonny’s horrible handwriting this time since he was in his first week at his new precinct. His replacement had excellent handwriting. Not that it mattered; his mind couldn’t focus on anything. Well, that wasn’t true. It was doing a perfectly good job of picturing Jack and Peter Stone, looking chummy in the hallway.

He leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand over his face, and his eyes caught the newly framed photo that sat on the corner of his desk. In it, Rafael was smiling in his black suit and navy tie, arm around Sonny who was decked out in his dress uniform, complete with hat and shiny new Sergeant’s badge. It should make him smile, but it only served to churn the discontent that had been sitting in his gut since his run in with Jack.

Rafael checked the clock, decided that four o’clock was a perfectly acceptable time to start drinking, and pulled the bottle of scotch from his desk drawer.

He had just poured his fourth glass a couple of hours later, when Sonny breezed into his office. “Hey, you ready for dinner?” Rafael watched his eyes clock the nearly empty bottle of scotch at his elbow. “Bad day?”

“Well,” Rafael started, taking a slow sip before continuing. “You can rest assured that SVU hasn’t changed without you. They’re still botching things just like always.”

Sonny huffed a laugh, walking over to perch on the edge of Rafael’s desk, putting a hand to his cheek. “SVU screwing up isn’t a half a bottle problem. What’s really going on?”

Rafael sighed, leaning back in his chair, pulling away from Sonny’s touch as a consequence. Whether or not that was the goal he wasn’t sure. “I didn’t get the EADA position.”

“Oh, Raf.” Sonny tilted his head, looking at him with the pity that Rafael had been dreading. “There will be another one. Mackinson over in appeals is what, pushing seventy? He’ll be retiring any day now.”

“I don’t want appeals,” Rafael drained the scotch, dropping the glass to his desk with a clatter. “I wanted Trial Division, and considering McCoy just hired an infant, I don’t think he’s going anywhere anytime soon.”

“You’ve got options.” Sonny gave him a playful grin. “If nothing else you can always quit and just become my trophy husband.”

He meant it as a joke, but Rafael didn’t laugh. As if he needed another reminder that Sonny earned more than enough to support them both.

“Come on,” Sonny said, taking his hand and kissing it. “Let’s go have a nice dinner and take your mind off of it.”

“I don’t feel like sitting in a restaurant. Can we just go home?”

“Sure,” Sonny agreed easily. “We’ll order in. Your pick.”

The scotch he’d downed sloshed in his stomach as he stood to gather his things. “I’m not really hungry. You can just get whatever you want.”

“Oh, okay,” Sonny stood, pulling Rafael’s jacket off of the back of his chair and holding it out so he could slip his arms through. “But maybe you should try to eat something.”

Jacket on, Rafael turned and followed his eyes to the bottle on his desk. “I think I should be able to have scotch for dinner if I want to after getting bad news.”

“No one said you couldn’t. I just didn’t want you getting sick.”

“Well, if I do, then it’s my own fault isn’t it?” Rafael snapped, tossing a few files into his briefcase.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny said and Rafael couldn’t quite determine what he was apologizing for. “Let’s just go home.”


	12. If I Didn't Believe In You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.
> 
> This one's a bit rough. Sorry.

**2019 - Sonny**

The halls of One Hogan Place were fairly quiet as Sonny made his way off of the elevator, shiny black shoes moving over the marble floor toward Rafael’s office.

He was surprised to find Carmen’s desk unmanned. Sure, it was late enough in the day that most people had gone home, but Carmen wasn’t most people. If she was gone it was because Rafael sent her home, which meant he was either in a great mood or a bad one. He rapped his knuckles once on Rafael’s office door as he pushed it open, wondering which one he was going to get.

He got his answer immediately. “You’re not dressed.”

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Rafael looked impeccable as always, even twelve hours after he’d put on the perfectly pressed suit, but his tux was still zipped up in the garment bag that had been hooked on the corner of his bookcase when he’d arrived at work that morning.

Rafael leaned back in his chair, running a hand over his face, and Sonny could see the exhaustion in the motion and in his features. “I don’t think I’m going to go,” Rafael said carefully.

“What? No, come on.” He walked over and perched on the corner of the desk. “It’ll be fun.”

Rafael huffed a laugh that seemed involuntary. “It’s never fun.”

“Sure it is.”

“Maybe for you. You’re the golden boy. The man who single handedly saved the NYPD’s reputation in the LGBTQ community.” His voice dripped with sarcasm. “I’m only there to prove that you’re actually gay and then you abandon me. Then I’m stuck by the bar, dealing with these inane conversations that are always the same and I just—I don’t have it in me tonight.”

Sonny wanted to say that Rafael had never been ‘stuck’ by a bar in his life, that he chose to stay there and down scotch after scotch, and if Sonny wanted to do anything besides watch him get drunk he had to leave him there. But he swallowed it down, knowing that if he said any of that there was no way he could talk Rafael into going tonight.

Instead he took Rafael’s hand between both of his. “What happened? I heard about the Vonna verdict, but—”

Rafael scoffed, “And that’s not enough?” Sonny just looked at him, knowing there was more to it. It was a war of wills for a few moments, both of them just staring at each other, but Sonny had years of interrogations on his side and finally Rafael sighed. “I ran into Stone and—”

“So that’s what this is really about,” Sonny interrupted, realization dawning on him.

Rafael’s eyes narrowed and he pulled his hand from Sonny’s. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re upset because you have to go back to Dayton soon. It’ll be fine, Raf. I know it sucks, but it’s only six weeks.”

Rafael laughed mirthlessly, shaking his head.

“What?” Rafael stayed silent and Sonny sighed. “Look, I know you hate Stone and you hate Dayton and you’re not happy here anymore, so why don’t you quit? Do something else? You liked teaching last summer, you just hated Dayton, so teach here instead. You’re so brilliant, Raf. You can do literally anything and I’ll support you all the way. But,” Sonny hesitated and watched Rafael’s brow furrow as he waited for whatever he was about to say. He took a deep breath. “I need you to support me too.”

Rafael’s jaw literally dropped, but he recovered quickly. “Support you? You think I don’t support you?” It was soft and tinged with hurt and Sonny couldn’t help but feel that it was worse than if Rafael had yelled at him. Still he continued on, having already started.

“These events, they’re important to me. They’re helping, Raf. They’re helping not only change the minds of the other officers, but the public. And I need you there with me.”

“You need me there as a show pony. I’m nothing more than a visual aid while you get your ego stroked.”

“Dammit, Raf!” Sonny slapped a hand to the top of the desk and Rafael flinched as it echoed in the room. “Why does it always have to be so difficult?” He stood, pacing to the center of the room and running a hand through his hair. Everything was always such a struggle. Rafael had to fight tooth and nail every step of the way, seemingly just for the sake of being antagonistic. Sonny was helping people, was doing something with his life, and all he wanted was his husband by his side while he did it.

“I know...I know you’re unhappy. I know you feel like you aren’t going anywhere, but I’m sick of feeling like an asshole every time something good happens to me. Sick of feeling like I have to hold myself back in order to not make you feel bad. But I’m done. I’ve tried to help you, to encourage you, but I can’t make you do anything if you choose to be miserable. There’s nothing I can do about that, but I refuse to lose just because you can’t win.”

Rafael sat stunned, his jaw working slowly, and the hurt in his eyes had a thread of guilt running through Sonny and he deflated a bit. “I’m sorry.” He leaned forward, placing his hands on Rafael’s desk and ducking his head to try to catch his eyes. “Can you please just change into your tux and we’ll go to this stupid party and then we’ll go home and—”

Silently, Rafael picked up his phone from his desk, tucking it into his breast pocket before standing and plucking his briefcase from the floor.

“Raf, come on,” Sonny pleaded. “Don’t go. Let’s just—”

Without another glance at Sonny he walked to the door and through it, closing it softly behind him.

“Rafael!” Sonny yelled after him, slamming a fist onto the desk, causing the sole picture frame that Rafael kept there to rattle and topple over. He rushed toward the door. “God dammit, Rafael. Can’t you just fucking—” He stopped when he yanked the door open and spotted Carmen at her desk. A paper bag sat on the corner of the mahogany and he realized she must have been on a food run instead of having left for the evening.

His cheeks burned when he realized she hadn’t delivered it because she could hear them—could hear the way Sonny had yelled and berated. But then the look she fixed him with, fire in her eyes even though the rest of her face was passive, only stoked the anger that burned through him.

Of course she would blame him, not that it was any of her business in the first place. She only knew Rafael’s side of things, didn’t see the way Sonny coaxed and cajoled and walked on eggshells.

She opened her mouth to say something, closed it, and then opened it again.

“Don’t.” Sonny said and something in his tone must have told her he meant it because she closed her mouth again, but she set it in a firm line, her disapproval evident. Sonny shook his head, knowing that again he was the bad guy here.

Somehow he was always the bad guy.


	13. I Can Do Better Than That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2016 - Rafael**

Sonny reached over and put his hand on Rafael’s knee, putting an end to the incessant bouncing that had been taking place since they’d sat down on the train. 

“Sorry,” Rafael told him, placing his hand over top of Sonny’s. He didn’t normally exhibit such outward signs of nervousness, but this wasn’t a normal situation. He hadn’t brought someone home to meet his mother in years.

It was a testament to how distracted he was that Sonny had even gotten him on the subway in the first place.

“It’s more authentic,” he’d said with grin, pulling Rafael toward the station. “I’m sure when you were growing up and going back and forth between the city, you didn’t take a car.”

Rafael hadn’t bothered to tell him he was right, just allowed himself to be coaxed down the stairs and was standing on the platform before he’d realized just what was happening.

“It’s going to be fine,” Sonny assured him with a smile.

Rafael had met Sonny’s family weeks ago, joining the Carisis for one of their famous Sunday dinners. It had gone relatively well, considering. Even his mother had been on her best behavior, but he knew that Sonny had begged her several times leading up to the dinner to be just that.

He hadn’t known that Rafael could hear him on the phone in the other room, whispering forcefully, “I love him and I need you to respect that.  _ Please _ just be civil. No, Ma, I don’t care that Carina Romano got divorced…”

But even after that, Rafael had put off the meeting between Sonny and his mother for as long as he could. He was actually a little proud of the amount of excuses he’d managed to come up with.

“Seriously, parents love me.” Sonny bumped his shoulder playfully with his own. “She might end up loving me more than you.”

“That’s entirely possible,” Rafael agreed and Sonny’s brow furrowed at his easy acquiescence.

As the train crossed over into the Bronx, Rafael felt something heavy sink in his gut and it was then that he finally allowed himself to acknowledge what was really bothering him about all of this. Yes, he was nervous about Sonny meeting his mother, he wanted her to like Sonny, to see him for the amazing man that he was, but it was bringing Sonny to his old neighborhood that had his stomach in knots.

His mother, for all of her successes, lived only a few short blocks away from the rundown building that Rafael had grown up in and he didn’t know what Sonny would think of him when he saw where he came from.

The Carisis weren’t rich, but they were comfortable. Sonny had grown up in a nice white house with blue shutters and a backyard. All blonde hair and swing sets and baseball, it was such a stereotypically wholesome American upbringing. The complete opposite of his own.

There’d been no happy family dinners around a large table covered in food, no siblings to squabble with over whose turn it was to control the remote, no backyard barbecues with neighbors and cousins.

Instead it had been long hours alone in his room, trying to study so that he could get a scholarship and get as far away as possible, while his father’s angry voice echoed through the thin walls. On the nights when it got particularly bad, he’d sneak out down the fire escape and go to his abuelita’s where she’d make him fried plantains and assure him that everything would be okay.

At least until he’d gotten older and fed up with with finding his mother with bruises and busted lips. Putting himself between them only assured that he’d be the one who’d be black and blue, but better him than his mother.

“Raf,” Sonny said and Rafael got the feeling it wasn’t the first time he’d said his name, trying to break through the stormcloud of his thoughts. “It’s our stop.”

“Sorry,” Rafael said again and Sonny looked at him with concern as they made their way off of the train and onto the elevated platform.

“Are you okay? You’ve apologized more in the last forty-five minutes than you have, well, ever.” His tone was light, but he was still looking at him with worry in his eyes. “I know that you’re nervous, but—”

“It’s not that,” Rafael shook his head as they descended the metal stairs to the sidewalk. “Well, it is, but it’s also just being up here. It brings up some not so pleasant memories normally, but now, with you here…”

“With me here?”

“I just don’t want you to think less of me once you see where I come from.” Rafael looked back and forth, not used to taking train anymore, trying to determine which direction they needed to walk, but mostly avoiding looking at Sonny.

“What? No way.” Sonny allowed Rafael to take his hand and tug him in the direction of his mother’s apartment. “Not that there’s anything wrong with where you come from,” he looked around, taking in the crumbling buildings and boarded up storefronts, “but if anything, it only makes me more proud of you.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Sonny brought his hand to his lips, kissing the back of it. “You’re quite impressive.”

Rafael’s shoulders relaxed for the first time since they’d left his apartment, but it didn’t last for long. “Look,” he said when they came to a stop in front of his mother’s building. “She’s going to bring up Yelina. She  _ always _ brings up Yelina, but it’s mostly to irritate me and to gauge your reaction. Just don’t give her one. And then she’ll—”

Sonny cut him off with a kiss. “I know it would do no good to tell you to relax, so I won’t, but I’m telling you I got this. And even if she’s horrible, which I know for certain she’s not because no woman who raised an amazing man like you could be, but even if she is, I don’t care. I’ll deal because she’s a part of your life, which means she’s a part of mine.”

Rafael stared up at him, wondering not for the first time how someone as incredible as Sonny had managed to fall in love with him. Before he even knew what was happening he heard himself saying, “Move in with me.”

“What?” Sonny asked, clearly caught off guard and Rafael couldn’t blame him. He was caught off guard too, but the more he thought about it the more he realized it was exactly what he wanted, what he needed.

“I love you so much and if my mother doesn’t scare you off, I’d very much like it if you’d move in with me.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes,” Rafael answered even though he was beginning to worry he’d made a mistake, that it was too soon.

Dimples appeared in cheeks flushed pink with joy. “Is tomorrow too soon?”

“Not soon enough.” Rafael smiled, raising up to place a soft kiss on Sonny’s lips before reaching out to press the buzzer for his mother’s apartment. Suddenly the apprehension that had been twisting inside him was gone.

“Hello?” The garbled voice came from the speaker above the buzzer.

“It’s me, Mami.”

“Uh, how’s your ma gonna react to us livin’ in sin?” Sonny asked when the lock disengaged and they made their way inside.

“Not as badly as yours,” Rafael cracked, starting up the first flight of stairs, and Sonny’s silence told him that he was right.


	14. Nobody Needs to Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with The Last Five Years, Sonny's chapters will be telling the story from beginning to end and Rafael's chapters will be telling the story from end to beginning. I've labeled the chapters to try to make it easier to follow.
> 
> Any lines or scenarios you recognize aren't mine.

**2020 - Sonny**

After the first time Sonny had told himself that it was a mistake. He and Rafael had been fighting. Again. And Rafael had refused to join him at the fundraiser. Again. As a result he’d been in a vulnerable place, made even more so by the copious amount of alcohol he’d consumed. So it had happened and Sonny had felt guilty and swore to himself and to God that it wouldn’t happen again. 

Despite all that had happened, he owed Rafael his fidelity, at the very least. And he’d tried. He really had. But each day was a new grievance, a new offense that Sonny had unwittingly committed and he’d realized there was nothing he could do, nothing to be saved.

So he’d sent a text he’d sworn he’d never send. A text that made him feel ashamed, but then he’d come over and it had been just so right, so easy.

And now, lying in their bed, the one he and Rafael had spent hours picking out, with Matt sleeping soundly beside him, he felt the inevitability of it more than the guilt. This is where they’d been heading, for months now, maybe longer.

It was exhausting, the constant struggle, the battle that began the moment they woke up every day and didn’t end until they’d gone to bed, turning to face away from one another, the resentment settling heavily onto the mattress between them.

Things with Matt were simple, uncomplicated. They had fun together, enjoyed each other. It was nice to be with someone who didn’t resent his accomplishments and had ambitions of his own. It was the way things should be.

It was like coming up for air after having been held underwater. He gulped in breaths and clung to the person who’d rescued him, having been sure that he’d drown, and all he could feel was relief.

Sonny’s watch beeped and he stifled a groan, tapping the screen to turn off the alarm. Scrubbing a hand over his face he started to haul himself up from the mattress, but a large, warm hand reached out to curl around his bare arm.

“No. Stay.”

“I want to,” Sonny promised. “But I have to make my flight.”

Dayton. He was finally making the trip that he’d been trying to make for three years, to visit Rafael during his summer program. He’d thought about cancelling, but Rafael had sounded so hopeful when they’d spoken the day before that he just couldn’t do it.

“You’re still going?” Matt asked, looking disappointed.

“I have to,” Sonny told him, leaning over to place a soft kiss on his lips. “But you know I’d rather stay here with you.”

Matt smiled a little at that. “Are you going to tell him?”

Sonny sighed. He knew he should. Just rip off the band aid and end things. Even after everything none of this was fair to Rafael, but he worried what would happen once he did. He’d be seen as a failure, by his parents, by their friends, by his fellow officers. Would it taint all of the work he’d put in on the NYPD’s LGBTQ intitiative?

He wasn’t prepared to find out, so he’d continue to go through the motions. He’d fly to Ohio and see Rafael and put on a smile for the sake of appearances and then he’d come back to New York, to three more weeks of freedom, to Matt.

“Maybe. I don’t know,” he lied.

Matt seemed to accept that answer and Sonny felt his fondness for him grow. There was no arguing, no manipulation, no anger. He felt something in him, the part that had been wound tight, prepared for an argument, loosen.

He leaned in again, kissing him deeper this time. “You know what you mean to me, right?”

Matt nodded, sliding a hand down his chest until it was wrapped around him, and kissing along his neck. “There’s a later flight you can take, right?”

It was all Sonny wanted, to stay here in these sheets, his body bound by pleasure and his mind free. The thought of what awaited him in Ohio made it an easy decision.

He nodded, swallowing as Matt nipped at the skin where his neck met his shoulder. “Yeah,” he rasped, falling back to the mattress and pulling Matt on top of him.


	15. I Could Never Rescue You

**2020 - Sonny**

The blank sheet of paper stared up at Sonny from their kitchen table, where they’d shared countless meals, laughing over Rafael’s failed attempts at cooking or eating quietly while they tried to shove whatever heartbreaking case they were working from their minds; where Rafael had spent hours bent over casefiles, Sonny walking up behind him to rub his shoulders and coax him to bed; where they’d made love once, testing the craftsmanship. 

He couldn’t help but smile at the memory, the wood groaning under Rafael’s weight, the legs rocking back and forth. They’d been sure it was going to collapse, but it had held its own.

The smile didn’t last. It was only painful now to think of times like those, when things had been good. When they’d been happy. When Sonny had known with absolute certainty that Rafael was the love of his life and that they’d be together forever.

He watched as Matt rolled one of his suitcases out of the bedroom, one from the set that Rafael had bought him. That’s what they were now, just some clothes and some mementos and memories.

“I think that’s all of it,” Matt said, walking up behind Sonny and rubbing his hands over his shoulders and down his arms and back up again. The motion was so familiar, so similar to the what he’d done to Rafael countless times at that very table, that Sonny suddenly felt like he might cry. It must have showed. “You’re doing the right thing,” Matt assured him.

“Yeah,” Sonny cleared his throat, “I know. Can you, uh, can you give me a minute? I just have to do this and we can go.”

It had taken him two days after returning from Dayton to decide that this was the right thing to do. They were beyond repair. He’d known it already, just hadn’t been ready to admit it, but his trip to Ohio had been the push that he needed.

He knew that Rafael was willing to work things out, to still try, despite all Sonny had done to betray him, but Sonny knew there was nothing to work out. With Rafael standing there in front of him, begging him to fight, he only felt empty. There was nothing left in him to keep fighting.

“Sure,” Matt said softly, kissing his temple before grabbing the handle of the suitcase and pulling it toward the front door to sit it with the rest of the set.

Sonny took a deep breath and picked up the pen.

_ Rafael - _

_ I called Matt to help me pack my bags. I thought it was better this way, to leave now, quick and easy. No more fighting. No more hurting. Because we’ve both hurt enough I think. More than anyone should have to. _

_ I tried so hard. I really did. Probably more than you’ll ever know. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I wanted so badly to be the one to make you smile each day, to make you laugh, to make you love yourself as much as you loved me. But I never could and somewhere along the way I lost myself in the process. _

_ So what’s left? Fighting for something that can’t be saved? Continuing to go through the motions while we both remain miserable? Neither of those sound like any way to live, so it’s better this way. I promise it’s better this way. _

_ Please know that I loved you. That I still love you. Despite all that’s happened, that remains the one constant. I’ve never loved anyone the way that I loved you and maybe I never will again, but somehow that’s not enough. It’s never been enough, not for you. So I have to let you go now. For me. For us. _

_ Please be happy, Raf. _

_ -Sonny _

He sniffed, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill over, and set the pen back down on the table. The fingers of his right hand twirled his wedding band around his finger and he hesitated a moment before pulling it off and placing it on top of the letter. 


	16. Goodbye Until Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least we end on a happy note...
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck it out for this entire (sad, frustrating, infuriating) fic. I love you all. I also apologize for making you all mad at Sonny. Thankfully it's just an AU because Sonny would never.

**2016 - Rafael**

It was ridiculous that they were doing this, right? For the thousandth time since Rafael had sat across from Sonny in the booth, he was questioning his sanity. It had all happened so quickly. One minute they were in his office, bickering over a case, and then Sonny was asking him to get dinner—”And, uh, not as coworkers. Um, if you’re okay with that.”

The “no” had been on his lips along with an “Are you fucking kidding me?” but before he could say them he was looking into Sonny’s blue eyes, full of apprehension at putting his cards on the table, and Rafael heard himself agreeing.

He’d long ago stopped lying to himself about what he was feeling for Sonny Carisi. He’d tried at first, telling himself he was imagining it when he found himself a little happier when it was Carisi who stopped by with updates or paperwork instead of one of the other members of the squad. But finally he’d embraced it, allowing himself a longer glance than was necessary at Sonny across the conference table and enjoying the little uptick in his pulse when their fingers grazed during a routine file hand off.

But that was as far as it should have gone. Didn’t Carisi know that?

Apparently not, if the way he was looking at him across the table just now was any indication, all dimples and soft eyes. Rafael was in trouble.

“You know, Counselor, if I’m being honest, I really didn’t think you’d say yes.” Sonny took a drink from his beer bottle and Rafael had to tear his eyes away from the way his lips caressed the glass in order to answer.

“So then why’d you ask?”

His cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink. “Um, Rollins kind of bullied me into it. She said she was sick of me giving you puppy dog eyes and that I should rip off the bandaid. Then I could either get over it or get laid and either way she’d—Shit.” His eyes widened. “Not that I think—I mean, I don’t—”

Rafael enjoyed watching him flounder, hiding a grin in a sip of scotch, but Sonny caught it.

“You’re just gonna leave me swinging here, huh?” 

“You just make it so fun,” Rafael grinned, leaning back in the booth. “But, we’re grown men, it’s my assumption that if you want whatever this is to continue between us that at some point we’re going to get laid. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

The pink on Sonny’s cheeks turned crimson and traveled to the tips of his ears. It was just so damn easy, Barba thought, and then he had the fleeting thought of where else he could make Carisi blush.

“Is that what you want?” Sonny asked, rushing to clarify. “For this to continue, I mean.”

It was all he wanted. And not just a handful of dates and a romp in the sheets. When he looked at Sonny he saw the whole deal, the white picket fence, two golden retrievers, sitting on their porch in rocking chairs, their faces covered in wrinkles, all of it. But he shouldn’t, for a multitude of reasons.

Sonny was giving him an out, a chance to nip this in the bud before it went any further. He should take it.

“Yes,” he said firmly. “That is what I want.”

* * *

An hour later they stepped out into the warm night, both slightly buzzed from alcohol and the excitement of whatever was happening between them.

“Can I get you a cab?”

Rafael shook his head at the offer. “I actually live not that far from here.”

“Really?” Rafael nodded. “Well, can I walk you home then?”

“Veronica down at the malt shop won’t get jealous now will she?” Rafael couldn’t help but tease him at his old fashioned request. Truthfully it was sweet and he was glad Sonny had offered. He wasn’t quite ready for the night to end just yet.

“Ha.”

It was one of those perfect evenings that New York so rarely saw, warm, but with a light breeze, and Rafael began walking in the direction of his apartment with Sonny falling into step beside him. They walked like that for a couple blocks, side by side, shoulders grazing, and then Sonny slipped his hand between them, threading his fingers with Rafael’s.

It should feel strange or awkward, having Sonny’s hand in his, but it didn’t. If Rafael were a romantic man, he’d almost think that it felt right, meant to be even.

Columbus Avenue was buzzing as people made their way home from work or ducked in and out of bars and restaurants, but for once he didn’t notice the crowds, or at the very least, wasn’t annoyed by them.

After another half a block, Rafael looked up at him, an amused smile on his face.

“What?”

“I just think this is the longest you’ve gone without talking in all the time I’ve known you.”

Sonny laughed nervously. “Sorry. I just, I’m kind of freaking out a little.”

Rafael suddenly felt nervous. Just because he was all in on the white picket fence, didn’t mean that Sonny was. “A good freaking out or a bad freaking out?”

“Good,” Sonny said quickly, as if he couldn’t stand the idea of Rafael thinking otherwise. “Definitely good. I wanted this for so long, ya know? It’s hard to believe it’s happening. Like, I’m walking down the street holding Rafael Barba’s hand and I just can’t wrap my mind around it.”

“I’m just up here on the corner,” Rafael said instead of responding, but he couldn’t keep the dopey grin off of his face.

They stopped in front of the door to Rafael’s building and Rafael looked up at him. “We have a problem.”

Sonny’s face fell. “What’s that?”

“Well, I wanted to kiss you, but if just holding my hand is blowing your mind…”

Sonny laughed, reaching up to cup Rafael’s face in both his hands. “I think I can handle it.”

And handle it he did, pressing soft, warm lips to Rafael’s in a way that built in intensity, slow and gentle at first, just testing the waters before tilting his head to turn it deeper. Rafael’s hands went to his back, pressing fingers into the material of Sonny’s suit jacket, parting his lips to allow Sonny to lick into his mouth.

As far as first kisses went, Rafael had to say that this one was pretty damn good.

They pulled apart only when a need for oxygen dictated that they do so and the biggest grin Rafael had ever seen on Sonny Carisi broke out across this face. “That was…”

“Yeah,” Rafael agreed, fighting to catch his breath.

Sonny waited a moment, almost as if he was expecting Rafael to invite him inside. “So, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked when the invitation didn’t come.

It wasn’t that Rafael didn’t want him to come upstairs. At the moment he wanted nothing more than to have him in his bed, but they both had work the next day and he wanted to be able to take his time with Sonny. He didn’t want something quick and dirty. He wanted to explore every inch of him, discover what places on his body elicited a moan when touched, which areas were sensitive or ticklish; he wanted to know all of it.

So it would have to wait.

“You usually find some excuse to end up in my office. I imagine tomorrow will be no different,” he answered with a smirk, but his tone had no bite to it.

Sonny smiled again. “Then tomorrow it is. Goodnight, Rafael.”

“Goodnight, Sonny.”

In a move that was completely unlike him, Rafael stood in place, watching as Sonny made his way down the street. It was only when Sonny turned, disappearing around the corner, that he finally made his way inside.


End file.
